Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I got the kids off to school today and sent them out the door to a very cold morning. About 10 am, it started to snow and didn’t stop untill about 6 pm. When the kids got home from school they where so excited. We all went outside to play in the snow untill six. The kids where freezing cold so we had to come inside. Wile the kids were at school, I got alot done dishes, laundry, bedrooms, well the house. I had a bit of a rough morning and couldn’t get my mind off the negative things. I know I had to get my home in order to feel better about things, it helped. I love having a clean house. I am emotionally attached to my environment. I need to have things in order to feel good. I have always been that way. I tend to get in a funk every now and then, if I am not careful it can consume every thought. I have found the best thing for me to do is to get out, to do a project at my house and if being in my house is too much to go to a friend’s house to do a project anything other then wallowing in my own thoughts. I am not sad about being in Missouri. I will start thinking about my kids and all the things I want for them or to give them and I can’t. I think about my potential and then I start to think about all the thing I have started and then quit. I think about all the things I could be doing and am not. I think about my recent weight gain and what I am not doing. I don’t know why but I feel like I am always waiting for something to happen, something good that will relieve me of all my worries. I know that sounds nuts. Today I am done waiting for things to change, for the weather to be better, for my kids to be the right age, for the house to be clean, for me to feel better. I have been a passenger in my own life only make decisions that are easy and that I am not scared to make. I am not who I could be, I know I am so much better then I have allowed my self to be. I guess this is my new year’s resolution to be more in every aspect of my life. It’s not about being perfect it’s about be productive in achieving my goals and being the kind of wife, mother, friend, family member that I can be, its about evolving into a person that is happy with every aspect of my life. Well there’s look into my psychie for ya.